Paranoia in full effect

Call me crazy. I’m used to that, but I would swear I’m finding hidden messages in everything… maybe it’s just where my mind takes me.

Nope, I think I’m right on target. You, whoever “you” are, have been trying to send me signs and warnings for a decent chunk of time now. I’m just too damn stubborn or set in my ways to have changed anything even though I’m pretty certain the consequences to ignoring them are far more serious than I even want to admit to myself. There must be a lot of resources going into monitoring me and trying to aide in my recovery. I’ll never understand what has made me deserving of this kind of help. But I do believe that it is meant to help me, not hurt me. Hell, I’m hurting myself bad enough with my addiction. I definitely don’t need any more help than what I’ve already got coming at me from people who I considered my friends. What hurts me the most out of all the horrible experiences I’ve been through while in my addiction, is that I can’t trust a single soul I’ve crossed paths with in the past 8 years. The people who were supposed to be my closest “friends” are the one’s who want to use my name to save their own asses. I don’t have proof of this. Yet, I don’t have proof of anything I’ve written in these lines. I seriously doubt I ever will. I just go with my intuition and see things on a different level than most.

On that note, somehow I know the guy that called himself “Brandon” was trying to tell me something the other day. For one, nothing added up. How would a guy that ran the streets have on a nice LiveStrong T-shirt with an expensive Bluetooth headset wrapped around his neck? Not to mention, it seemed odd for a guy that just got out of prison after doing 6 years flat and got beat down just the other night to be driving a nice U-Haul truck. Granted, he could’ve stolen the truck, but I didn’t get that impression. Neither did I get the impression that he was a hardened criminal. I’ve been around hardened criminals. Not of my own choice but just due to circumstances beyond my control. And “Brandon” was no hardened criminal. So what exactly was the purpose for him to freak out the other girls I was standing with? They were a bit scared off by him so at least he fooled the majority, and I give him props for that. But I’m a whole different breed and I saw through his story right from the flip. I could be wrong, but I didn’t get the sense that he was a threat. If anything, I felt like he was checking on me, maybe warning me, and somehow testing me. So did I pass or fail?

I know I’ve been failing at my attempts to get clean but I’m not giving up so don’t you go counting me out just yet. I’ve tried to do it on my own, moved outta my house and into the hollow home I hate now, joined a program that has helped save so many other addicts, and none of it has worked for me. However, our failures are just lessons that lead us closer to success. My next course of action is to do an inpatient treatment program to get me past those first two weeks that I keep relapsing in. If I can overcome the depression that ensues when I get clean initially, I think I might just have a fighting chance at staying clean for the long haul. Plus, I get the feeling that time is of the essence and “the forces that be” are running out of patience with me. Like I already said, I will figure it out and overcome this battle. I haven’t run outta ideas or options yet so I know I still got this. I’m just one step closer today than I was yesterday and I’ll keep getting closer until I reach the goal.