Darkness Overload

So we all have our cycles, or at least I like to think we all do. Maybe just to make myself feel better about the one I’ve been stuck in for well over a year now. My cycle starts with a horribly deep depression and ends with me self-medicating. I know how the instant gratification of using drugs will combat my depression. It’s what I know so I do what I know works. Most people get worried about me when I’m in my depression and isolating because they assume I’m in my addiction and avoiding the people who love me. In truth, I’m just laying in bed doing absolutely nothing. I don’t feel like doing anything and so I just lay there completely apathetic to life in general. I just don’t care… about anything. I get behind on everything and the littlest task seems so overwhelming that I don’t even know how to start it. These days, I can’t stand being in that state for longer than a week even though I’m doing what I’m supposed to do which is stay clean. So what do I do? I use the drugs that I know will pull me out of the depression. Then, I start functioning as a normal human being and respond to the 50 texts and voicemails that I was avoiding. I get everything done that I was previously apathetic to and take care of all my responsibilities. When I’m using I actually leave my home and go out in public! Imagine that crazy idea! I’m happy to be alive. I actually care.

This is where my dilemma stands. I feel like I can’t do anything right. If I’m clean, I slip into a darkness that no one seems to understand. But if I use, I’m doing something wrong according to society and the people who love me. How do I solve this predicament?