Tearing me down

It’s a truly sobering realization when you see people for who they really are. Especially when those people are the closest friends you’ve had throughout your life. When I think of what friends should do, it doesn’t match up at all with how I’ve been treated by any of my “best” friends. Why is it that the people who are supposed to love me the most have all torn me down and made me to feel like I’m less that what I truly am? Are they all that insecure that it makes them feel better to kill my light and shove me in the background? Sadly, I invoke this action in more people than I even want to admit. I must be something amazingly beautiful for other women to get so seriously intimidated by me. And the thing is, I’m not trying to stand out or get attention or be anything other than myself.

Apparently they all saw what I didn’t and knew that their best chance at outshining me was to stifle me and use me as a way to get the attention they so desperately needed. I say it’s desperate because it actually makes me sad for them. I just want to be me and that’s all I’ve ever wanted. It’s been impossible for me to find out who I am when my life has been constantly filled with people telling me who I am or telling me what I’m not. Who are they to say who I am?! I’m not following anyone or anything ever again. Ideas are meant to be questioned, not just believed because someone else said to. I’m sick of being placed in this box that I don’t belong in. I don’t even believe in thinking inside a box so why should I be trapped somewhere that isn’t even real to me? Granted, I have an issue figuring out what is real. Reality is in the eye of the beholder and I can sure create some interesting realities to switch shit up for the fun of it.

I’m in the process of learning how to manifest my desires in the physical realm but it’s honestly not that important to me right now. I’ve never been romanced and shown as much love as I have in ways that continue to blow my mind. It reminds me every day that I deserve to be loved and treated the way I treat the people I consider friends. No, I treat everyone with the same respect, friend or foe. Is it beyond people to simply build up their friends and focus on their strengths? Nowadays, everyone seems to prefer tearing others down and exploiting their weaknesses. I wonder if they even realize what they’re doing. What bothers me most is the fact that it took me 38 years to see people for who they truly are.

As my intuition gathers strength, I can see the truth behind the person spewing lies while they try to hide behind their mask designed with precision. The more enlightened I become, the more I just wanna hide from the world and people altogether. I can’t help but get overwhelmed by the false impressions that everyone gives the world. I can’t handle being surrounded by all the negative energy. I feel it all and it hurts me without having anything to do with me. I take it on and I haven’t learned how to separate that energy from my own. Is this supposed to be a gift? It’s more of a burden right now….