I spent the majority of my life trying to run away from my problems thinking that some change of scenery would change what was wrong in my life. And yet everywhere I went, there I was. Why it never occurred to me that I was the common denominator through all of it will always haunt my intelligence.
You can’t run away from yourself, stupid! And your body can’t even handle walking up three flights of stairs to your apartment. What makes you think you’ll be able to outrun anything at this point in your life?
So I finally stopped all that insanity and instead I started exercising with my demons. As much as I don’t want to admit it, they are a part of me. If I ever want to learn how to control my bipolar disorder, I have to accept and understand the darkness that comes with it. I just have to allow myself to feel. But when your emotions are so intense that they seem to swallow you whole, it’s hard to remember that they’re only temporary. The light will always return. No actually, it never leaves. It just travels along my spectrum of extremes waiting for its chance to shine.
I just need to express my gratitude for those random people who cross your path and remind you that we are all connected and no one should ever feel alone in their struggles. It’s so rare and refreshing when you find evidence of prior travelers on the path you’re stumbling along.
We need to stop considering mental illnesses as negative aspects to who we are. God designed each one of us as perfect for His plans and purpose. We should embrace it as one of the qualities that makes us unique and special and beautiful in God’s eyes. That just gave me a thought… maybe we should just start suggesting to kids these days that “crazy” is the new “cool.”
Okay, I’m getting sidetracked here. My whole reason for this post is to share my appreciation for a fellow blogger Revenge of Eve. This poetry spoke to me like it was written specifically for that purpose, for me. Be amazed….
A fellow blogger informed me that “the day starts at sundown and ends at the next one,” so apparently I won’t be able to claim Day 1 again until tomorrow evening. I just wanted to post a quick follow-up to my First Publicly Blogged attempt to get clean and stay that way. From my post title, it’s obvious that I faltered and allowed my disease to win like so many times before. But I’m not giving up and everytime I fail, it just means I’m that much closer to success. Pray for me through this day so I may be able to share a small victory with other addicts that know what a miracle one day can be when you’re in recovery and learning how to live life, point blank. I’ll share more about my choices and what happened over the past two weeks that led to my blog coming to an abrupt halt. Gotta save it for tomorrow though after I get some much needed rest.
Thank you for all your support and prayers! All my love!
Here we go everyone! The process has begun and I’m nearing the end of my first day clean without using any drugs. If I eat some dinner and lay down for bed right after I finish this post, I will have achieved my goal “Just for Today.” I know this is only the beginning of a life-long journey but it’s the first step toward recovery and progress is all that really matters at this point.
I’ve been struggling with addiction for most of my life but didn’t start realizing it was a problem until about a year ago. I’ve been attending meetings for a 12-step program on a regular basis the entire time. However, I was still getting high thinking my use was somehow different than other addicts. My mind can play some seriously wicked games on me to the point that I was able to believe that I was able to use drugs successfully. How completely full of bullshit is that?! Basically I was trying to work an honest program with lies. Well, just so you all know, it’s not freaking possible! I was failing the program and myself and everyone I met through the fellowship in such a massive way. The unnerving part about it was that I thought I had everyone fooled when all I was doing was fooling myself.
Last Friday (the 13th), was the anniversary of my bone marrow transplant that saved my life. Amazingly, I was given 6 months to live 12 years ago. That occasion hit me hard this year. I’m not sure why this year was any different than years before but something in me knew that everything was about to change in my life. If I would’ve known I had 12 years to do something with my life, I probably would’ve done things a whole lot differently. I definitely wouldn’t have wasted over a decade spending time with people that didn’t give a rat’s ass about me but had no problem doing whatever drugs I had. But as soon as the drugs were gone and the money was gone and I refused to pull off some crazy scam or hustle, everyone was gone too.
I am so grateful that I never have to live like that again. Today my life is peaceful and only contains people that genuinely care about me. Through the Fellowship I’ve gained connections with people that want nothing more than to see me succeed no matter how many times I’ve messed up over the course of a year. They just keep welcoming me back like it was nothing. I might have still been using but my life is drastically different just by implementing things I learned from other recovering addicts. I’ve had more alone time this year than I’ve ever had in my whole life! I apparently didn’t realize how desperately I needed the time to myself in order to grow. Somewhere along the way, I lost my entire identity like I’d been stripped of everything that made me who I am. I thank God for the work He’s already done in me and the way He always knows how to guide me in the right direction. Of course, I’m a tad bit rebellious and have a slight stubborn streak so we all know that I wasn’t listening all the time. But today is a new day, a new beginning, a new me. And I can’t wait to meet her.
I invite anyone and everyone who reads this to follow along as I fight to overcome and recover from this fatal disease of addiction. I know this will probably be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do but I’m activating my faith on a whole new level knowing that’s what it will take to keep my spirits positive through it all. If you know of anyone who’s struggling with addiction as well, please share my blog with them for strength and understanding. I decided to do a daily journal where I was able to share my thoughts, my feelings, my victories, and my failures on my process of recovery in order to do a number of things. First off, I hope I can help someone going through the same struggle and maybe even give them the inspiration to make it Just One More Day clean. Secondly, it keeps me accountable with a promise to always be honest here. So if I miss a day, I expect to catch hell from everyone and if I make mistakes, I vow to be honest if everyone will accept that I’m only human. Lastly, I’ll be using this time for my own self-exploration and discovery because writing has always been a form of therapy and I have a lot of healing to do.
Thanks for all your support and please keep me in your prayers! It’s time to start living the life I was blessed with. All my love!
It’s a truly sobering realization when you see people for who they really are. Especially when those people are the closest friends you’ve had throughout your life. When I think of what friends should do, it doesn’t match up at all with how I’ve been treated by any of my “best” friends. Why is it that the people who are supposed to love me the most have all torn me down and made me to feel like I’m less that what I truly am? Are they all that insecure that it makes them feel better to kill my light and shove me in the background? Sadly, I invoke this action in more people than I even want to admit. I must be something amazingly beautiful for other women to get so seriously intimidated by me. And the thing is, I’m not trying to stand out or get attention or be anything other than myself.
Apparently they all saw what I didn’t and knew that their best chance at outshining me was to stifle me and use me as a way to get the attention they so desperately needed. I say it’s desperate because it actually makes me sad for them. I just want to be me and that’s all I’ve ever wanted. It’s been impossible for me to find out who I am when my life has been constantly filled with people telling me who I am or telling me what I’m not. Who are they to say who I am?! I’m not following anyone or anything ever again. Ideas are meant to be questioned, not just believed because someone else said to. I’m sick of being placed in this box that I don’t belong in. I don’t even believe in thinking inside a box so why should I be trapped somewhere that isn’t even real to me? Granted, I have an issue figuring out what is real. Reality is in the eye of the beholder and I can sure create some interesting realities to switch shit up for the fun of it.
I’m in the process of learning how to manifest my desires in the physical realm but it’s honestly not that important to me right now. I’ve never been romanced and shown as much love as I have in ways that continue to blow my mind. It reminds me every day that I deserve to be loved and treated the way I treat the people I consider friends. No, I treat everyone with the same respect, friend or foe. Is it beyond people to simply build up their friends and focus on their strengths? Nowadays, everyone seems to prefer tearing others down and exploiting their weaknesses. I wonder if they even realize what they’re doing. What bothers me most is the fact that it took me 38 years to see people for who they truly are.
As my intuition gathers strength, I can see the truth behind the person spewing lies while they try to hide behind their mask designed with precision. The more enlightened I become, the more I just wanna hide from the world and people altogether. I can’t help but get overwhelmed by the false impressions that everyone gives the world. I can’t handle being surrounded by all the negative energy. I feel it all and it hurts me without having anything to do with me. I take it on and I haven’t learned how to separate that energy from my own. Is this supposed to be a gift? It’s more of a burden right now….