The one thing I miss the most right now is some good old country cruisin’. I would love to climb into a dusty old pick-up with the windows rolled down and a spot for my bare feet on the dash. I remember back when I was younger and the country boys were all around. I’d snatch one up and just drive. The gravel roads would twist and turn and lead to nowhere. At least, I never made it anywhere but farther from civilization. By nightfall, I’d be completely lost in the country somewhere and have no clue how to get back home. That’s why I love the country boys. I could just drive with no destination or place to go and they’d just guide me back to town when the sun was going down. No matter what, we always made it home by dark. I miss those days.
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“There would be no need for love if perfection were possible. Love arises from our imperfection, from our being different and always in need of the forgiveness, encouragement and that missing half of ourselves that we are searching for, as the Greek myth tells us, in order to complete ourselves.” ~ Eugene Kennedy
For the longest time, I’ve had this paranoia that I’m being followed everywhere I go by cars specifically with Texas license plates. I’ve even pointed it out to all my passengers in hopes that I can get some sort of validation that I’m not just crazy. It’s gotten to the point that I can’t help but find amusement out of it. I yell, “Texas!” and give them a big smile and wave. Their looks alone are worth making an ass out of myself. When I was in my active addiction, it was easy to blame the drugs for my paranoia and possible insanity. Now that I’m clean, I still have my Texan escorts everywhere I go so I just keep making an ass of myself. I had to turn my fear and paranoia into a positive experience that makes me smile. The best part of this story is that I had a friend from college come visit me yesterday and guess where he lives now…. Yup, Texas! I took him to a meeting and we rode in different cars. So now I can say without a doubt or question that I for real had a Texas car following me! I eliminated the insanity and know for a fact that there was at least one Texan that really was following me. I successfully turned my insanity into a reality! I finally caught me a Texan!
I fought cancer and won that battle. I struggle with addiction and found that recovery is possible. I deal with a number of chronic illnesses but don’t let them control my life. With all this being said, there’s still another monster that defeats me every time it rears it’s ugly head. Depression is the most powerful opponent I’ve ever encountered. How are you supposed to win a battle against something that steals all your desire to fight or do anything really?
To those who don’t understand mental illness, it may seem like people suffering with depression are just giving up on life. Knowing this enemy all too well, I see things in a much different way. I believe that some of the strongest people are the ones who pull themselves out of the darkness and do it repeatedly throughout their lives. It takes a true warrior to make it through depression alive.
I found that once I gave up on my expectations, that’s when I stopped being disappointed…in people, in events, in myself, in life most generally. I don’t think it made me any happier of a person but it sure cut out a lot of unhappiness. To my surprise, then everything started to “measure up” beyond my understanding. I guess that’s just how God works. Until you truly live in humility without the need for perfection, He will keep His abundance for when you are ready to accept it correctly.
The saying goes, “you always want what you can’t have.” I’m sure I fall into that cliche more than I want to admit. For me, I like a challenge. If someone tells me I can’t get something or do something, I’ll be damned to prove them wrong. That’s probably why I want the unobtainable men and think I can conquer the world when I haven’t even gotten outta bed. It makes no logical sense. I just wish I could keep the people who challenge me in my life. There’s very few people who cross my path that have the intelligence to expand my thinking but I can’t keep them around. Either they are dangerous influences or don’t stick around. Okay, maybe I push them away a bit. Okay, like completely. It all boils down to fear. I’m afraid of the very minds that I want to be around the most. Now, tell me if that ain’t fucked up? So how do I stop pushing people away when they get too close?