Fuck the filter when it’s all the truth and it always has been. What changes is the voice of a storyteller over time. Be careful though. Prying minds might unleash a vault of emotions that isn’t safe for anyone to unlock.
Okay, so I’m in a massive transitional period in my life right now and I’m completely outside my comfort zone. My lease is up at the end of the month and I don’t have a clue where I’m moving to. All my things are packed up in a storage unit and I have no concrete plan on what I’m going to do from here. If you knew me well, you’d say I’ve totally lost my mind because I’ve never done anything this irrational. I’ve always been the one who had a place to live and even took in all kinds of what I like to call “wayward” people. So for me to intentionally create this situation for myself doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. I’m flying on faith that everything will fall into place the way God wants it to. At times I get a horrible of fear but I just start praying and soon enough all my worries disappear and I’m totally at peace with everything. I know there’s a reason for shedding most of my possessions down to what I can fit in my car. I just don’t know what that reason is yet. I was raised to become a spoiled brat and pretty much got everything I wanted. My family has always been blessed with the financial ability to provide support whenever needed. Well, I ended up taking that support for granted at some point and allowed my family to continue supporting me financially my entire life. I’m 38 years old and I’ve never been self-sufficient or had to work to put food on the table. My dad likes to remind me of this fact all the time. It’s the most embarrassing feeling when someone asks me what I do for a living. How are you supposed to make new connections with the right people when your answer is “nothing.” And if that doesn’t make them walk away, it’s usually when they find out that “my daddy pays my bills” that they lose all interest in getting to know me past that point. I don’t like this.place I used to be content in. I have to do something with my life and that includes figuring out how to never have to ask for a damn dime from my family. I’ve never wanted anything more than how badly I want to earn the life I have and all the things in it. I have a vision and goals that have never been so important for me to achieve. I’m meant to touch lives and speak my truth despite what people will think and say about me. My story is filled with trauma, bad choices, wrong decisions, self sabotage, mental breakdowns, disappointment, and a view of myself that was skewed and twisted by listening to the wrong people instead of knowing that I’m an amazingly beautiful person. I’ve come to realize that all those people who put me down over the years were actually intimidated by who I am. You know you’re doing something right when you acquire a following of haters.
I just need to express my gratitude for those random people who cross your path and remind you that we are all connected and no one should ever feel alone in their struggles. It’s so rare and refreshing when you find evidence of prior travelers on the path you’re stumbling along.
We need to stop considering mental illnesses as negative aspects to who we are. God designed each one of us as perfect for His plans and purpose. We should embrace it as one of the qualities that makes us unique and special and beautiful in God’s eyes. That just gave me a thought… maybe we should just start suggesting to kids these days that “crazy” is the new “cool.”
Okay, I’m getting sidetracked here. My whole reason for this post is to share my appreciation for a fellow blogger Revenge of Eve. This poetry spoke to me like it was written specifically for that purpose, for me. Be amazed….
A fellow blogger informed me that “the day starts at sundown and ends at the next one,” so apparently I won’t be able to claim Day 1 again until tomorrow evening. I just wanted to post a quick follow-up to my First Publicly Blogged attempt to get clean and stay that way. From my post title, it’s obvious that I faltered and allowed my disease to win like so many times before. But I’m not giving up and everytime I fail, it just means I’m that much closer to success. Pray for me through this day so I may be able to share a small victory with other addicts that know what a miracle one day can be when you’re in recovery and learning how to live life, point blank. I’ll share more about my choices and what happened over the past two weeks that led to my blog coming to an abrupt halt. Gotta save it for tomorrow though after I get some much needed rest.
Thank you for all your support and prayers! All my love!