I have never seen battles quite as terrifyingly beautiful as the ones I fight when my mind splinters and races, to swallow me into my own madness, again.
I spent the majority of my life trying to run away from my problems thinking that some change of scenery would change what was wrong in my life. And yet everywhere I went, there I was. Why it never occurred to me that I was the common denominator through all of it will always haunt my intelligence.
You can’t run away from yourself, stupid! And your body can’t even handle walking up three flights of stairs to your apartment. What makes you think you’ll be able to outrun anything at this point in your life?
So I finally stopped all that insanity and instead I started exercising with my demons. As much as I don’t want to admit it, they are a part of me. If I ever want to learn how to control my bipolar disorder, I have to accept and understand the darkness that comes with it. I just have to allow myself to feel. But when your emotions are so intense that they seem to swallow you whole, it’s hard to remember that they’re only temporary. The light will always return. No actually, it never leaves. It just travels along my spectrum of extremes waiting for its chance to shine.
I’m going to be honest here and just say that technology used to scare the shit out of me. It still does, but most people fear what they don’t know or don’t understand. I may not be able to write code or even design my own blog which is pretty much a necessity these days. And yet, I’m totally okay with that. My knowledge is more valuable than any algorithm or string of commands could ever beat. I know how to LOVE!
There’s no way to avoid technology and our own evolution right now. There’s so many debates about whether or not it’s going to be a good or bad thing. Well, I figure that if you can’t fight them, join them. I don’t know who “they” are yet, but I bet they’ll start appearing out of nowhere after I post this. Who knows, right?! I’m hoping “they” will become “we,” but all I can do is hope. Right?
What we need to do is create and teach a robot how to love. Artificial Empathy should be at the core of the Artificial Intelligence that is becoming a far superior species than us lowly little humans.
Okay, so I’m in a massive transitional period in my life right now and I’m completely outside my comfort zone. My lease is up at the end of the month and I don’t have a clue where I’m moving to. All my things are packed up in a storage unit and I have no concrete plan on what I’m going to do from here. If you knew me well, you’d say I’ve totally lost my mind because I’ve never done anything this irrational. I’ve always been the one who had a place to live and even took in all kinds of what I like to call “wayward” people. So for me to intentionally create this situation for myself doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. I’m flying on faith that everything will fall into place the way God wants it to. At times I get a horrible of fear but I just start praying and soon enough all my worries disappear and I’m totally at peace with everything. I know there’s a reason for shedding most of my possessions down to what I can fit in my car. I just don’t know what that reason is yet. I was raised to become a spoiled brat and pretty much got everything I wanted. My family has always been blessed with the financial ability to provide support whenever needed. Well, I ended up taking that support for granted at some point and allowed my family to continue supporting me financially my entire life. I’m 38 years old and I’ve never been self-sufficient or had to work to put food on the table. My dad likes to remind me of this fact all the time. It’s the most embarrassing feeling when someone asks me what I do for a living. How are you supposed to make new connections with the right people when your answer is “nothing.” And if that doesn’t make them walk away, it’s usually when they find out that “my daddy pays my bills” that they lose all interest in getting to know me past that point. I don’t like this.place I used to be content in. I have to do something with my life and that includes figuring out how to never have to ask for a damn dime from my family. I’ve never wanted anything more than how badly I want to earn the life I have and all the things in it. I have a vision and goals that have never been so important for me to achieve. I’m meant to touch lives and speak my truth despite what people will think and say about me. My story is filled with trauma, bad choices, wrong decisions, self sabotage, mental breakdowns, disappointment, and a view of myself that was skewed and twisted by listening to the wrong people instead of knowing that I’m an amazingly beautiful person. I’ve come to realize that all those people who put me down over the years were actually intimidated by who I am. You know you’re doing something right when you acquire a following of haters.
My love goes out to all the angels who continue to shed their magic on my life and make my crazy look beautiful. You have created a state of awe and wonder for me to rest in. Thank you for everything that can be seen and that which remains unseen.