Okay, so I’m in a massive transitional period in my life right now and I’m completely outside my comfort zone. My lease is up at the end of the month and I don’t have a clue where I’m moving to. All my things are packed up in a storage unit and I have no concrete plan on what I’m going to do from here. If you knew me well, you’d say I’ve totally lost my mind because I’ve never done anything this irrational. I’ve always been the one who had a place to live and even took in all kinds of what I like to call “wayward” people. So for me to intentionally create this situation for myself doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. I’m flying on faith that everything will fall into place the way God wants it to. At times I get a horrible of fear but I just start praying and soon enough all my worries disappear and I’m totally at peace with everything. I know there’s a reason for shedding most of my possessions down to what I can fit in my car. I just don’t know what that reason is yet. I was raised to become a spoiled brat and pretty much got everything I wanted. My family has always been blessed with the financial ability to provide support whenever needed. Well, I ended up taking that support for granted at some point and allowed my family to continue supporting me financially my entire life. I’m 38 years old and I’ve never been self-sufficient or had to work to put food on the table. My dad likes to remind me of this fact all the time. It’s the most embarrassing feeling when someone asks me what I do for a living. How are you supposed to make new connections with the right people when your answer is “nothing.” And if that doesn’t make them walk away, it’s usually when they find out that “my daddy pays my bills” that they lose all interest in getting to know me past that point. I don’t like this.place I used to be content in. I have to do something with my life and that includes figuring out how to never have to ask for a damn dime from my family. I’ve never wanted anything more than how badly I want to earn the life I have and all the things in it. I have a vision and goals that have never been so important for me to achieve. I’m meant to touch lives and speak my truth despite what people will think and say about me. My story is filled with trauma, bad choices, wrong decisions, self sabotage, mental breakdowns, disappointment, and a view of myself that was skewed and twisted by listening to the wrong people instead of knowing that I’m an amazingly beautiful person. I’ve come to realize that all those people who put me down over the years were actually intimidated by who I am. You know you’re doing something right when you acquire a following of haters.
My love goes out to all the angels who continue to shed their magic on my life and make my crazy look beautiful. You have created a state of awe and wonder for me to rest in. Thank you for everything that can be seen and that which remains unseen.
I want something unbreakable and eternal….
An Inconvenient Truth
I’m all about changing the perception our world has of mental illness. We need to start teaching kids that crazy is the new cool! People need to know that our depression and mania is due to our sensitivity to feelings that are extreme and deep and overwhelming. In my opinion, what society calls an illness is in actuality a God-given gift. We didn’t ask to be born this way but it makes us special and should never be looked down upon. I proudly claim my crazy because it makes me who I am. It’s a part of us that we can’t just turn on and off whenever it’s convenient. Society needs a better understanding of what it means to live a life of mental disarray. I consider us warriors for battling an inner war day after day and continuing to live the best we can when it has taken the lives of so many.
Trust in God. He sends angels to our aid when we most need them. You’re only alone when you don’t give anyone a chance to help you. Break the cycle that’s breaking you. Baby steps in the right direction are better than a familiar step toward ultimate destruction. Choose to take control of your life by letting go of what controls you. Scars are earned; they prove you fought through the pain and overcame. Become the warrior that’s been hidden deep inside. Unlock the doors that hold memories unwanted. Open the floodgates with deserving tears, allowing them to soak the solid ground you stand on. Break down the walls that block out moments your fear has cunningly kept from you.
It’s time to face the demons and whatever else you’ve hidden from yourself. With God by your side, you will not falter or be overwhelmed. You will meet the challenges that come along the way and know that with each one down, you come that much closer to who you’re meant to be. It’s not a race. Live at your own pace. This process is yours and you have the faith to drive through it. Love fearlessly and be proud of YOU!