I spent the majority of my life trying to run away from my problems thinking that some change of scenery would change what was wrong in my life. And yet everywhere I went, there I was. Why it never occurred to me that I was the common denominator through all of it will always haunt my intelligence.
You can’t run away from yourself, stupid! And your body can’t even handle walking up three flights of stairs to your apartment. What makes you think you’ll be able to outrun anything at this point in your life?
So I finally stopped all that insanity and instead I started exercising with my demons. As much as I don’t want to admit it, they are a part of me. If I ever want to learn how to control my bipolar disorder, I have to accept and understand the darkness that comes with it. I just have to allow myself to feel. But when your emotions are so intense that they seem to swallow you whole, it’s hard to remember that they’re only temporary. The light will always return. No actually, it never leaves. It just travels along my spectrum of extremes waiting for its chance to shine.
An Inconvenient Truth
I’m all about changing the perception our world has of mental illness. We need to start teaching kids that crazy is the new cool! People need to know that our depression and mania is due to our sensitivity to feelings that are extreme and deep and overwhelming. In my opinion, what society calls an illness is in actuality a God-given gift. We didn’t ask to be born this way but it makes us special and should never be looked down upon. I proudly claim my crazy because it makes me who I am. It’s a part of us that we can’t just turn on and off whenever it’s convenient. Society needs a better understanding of what it means to live a life of mental disarray. I consider us warriors for battling an inner war day after day and continuing to live the best we can when it has taken the lives of so many.
My brother is getting married next week on Halloween. As much as I love him and want him to be happy, I have to admit that I’m so jealous. I don’t know if this comes out of our healthy sibling rivalry or if it’s because I’m not even in a relationship right now. Is it because I’m lonely? Or because I want that eternal love so badly? I mean, I want it so bad that I have created a fantasy relationship in my head with a guy that’s ghosted me for over a year. It’s ridiculous when I drag myself down to reality and think about it with a clear head.
I guess I always figured I would get married before my brother “manned up” and committed himself to a woman. I didn’t even realize his relationship was this serious. I guess that shows how close we are. Not to mention that I wasn’t informed of the wedding until about 3 or 4 weeks ago by my dad. Imagine my dad witnessing me in the midst of a total meltdown and acting like a complete brat. It wasn’t pretty by any stretch of the imagination and when he realized there’s no point in sticking around, he told me as he was leaving, “Your brother announced last night that he’s getting married on Halloween.” Well, damn. That sure helped my hissy fit!
I couldn’t believe I was told about it like that, but at least someone informed me. Right? In this past month, I don’t think I’ve ever actually been invited to the event. I haven’t been included in the ceremony or know anything about it really. I just found out the location today through a FB message from my brother. For some reason, I think they’re actually worried that I might not show up. I just get that feeling. I figure it’s going to be a small gathering with family and maybe close friends. I haven’t the slightest clue.
Have I disconnected myself that drastically from my family and loved ones that I’m kind of an afterthought at this point? I know this didn’t happen overnight so it’s going to take a long time to change it. My relationships with the most important people in my life, my family, have become so strained over the years and I don’t really know how to repair them. The conversations I have with my dad always seem to end up as an argument and I just simply don’t talk to my brother at all. It’s not that they haven’t put in an effort to be in my life. I’m the one who doesn’t answer the phone or make a call for no reason but to just talk. I’ve done this same routine with all the people I get the closest to. It’s like I push them away without even meaning to. Why would I create a wall between the ones who love me the most? It makes no sense. Not that I’ve ever claimed to be rational, but I really don’t understand why I do this.
I’m in the process of trying to become a better person and I want my relationships to reflect the change in me. I have so much love to give and it’s like I’m holding it hostage or something. I know I’ve made the mistake of giving it too freely to the wrong people in the past. The whole thing is so backasswards of me! This is something I’m going to have to put some serious thought into because I don’t understand it. I’ll probably bring it up in my next therapy appointment and get a professional opinion on the subject. Yeah, that’s probably the best idea. In the meantime, I’m going to dial down my jealousy and look forward to my brother’s wedding. I might even ask if there’s anything I can do to help whether before, during, or after the ceremony. At least they’d know I’m going to be there that way. Wow.
Okay, so I think I’ve finally accepted that the doctors may be correct in diagnosing me with bi-polar 1 disorder. For the longest time, like 14 years or so, I didn’t want to admit to myself that I actually have a mental illness. After talking with a therapist today, I realized that I have exhibited every symptom of the disorder at some point or another and just haven’t been aware of it. It’s probably more like I never wanted to be aware of it. Well… unfortunately I can’t ignore it and believe it’s not there anymore. Damn. I guess I have to deal with it now, huh?
All my love!
What’s another chemical I happen to ingest on a daily basis when I’m already prescribed 12 different drugs by fully certified physicians? It’s a quality of life issue with me. I’m not even supposed to be alive right now. I basically traded in a terminal illness for a whole bunch of chronic ones. I don’t understand why I’m being judged and stigmatized because I found a drug that helps me live. METHAMPHETAMINES!!! Just the word makes people cringe and stereotype without them even meaning to. If you met me on the streets or passed by me in a store, you’d never know I was a cancer survivor, or had both my hips replaced, or lived with over 10 different diagnosed chronic conditions, or was dependent on meth to function with all the normal people out there in society.
Am I just in denial? Am I just trying to rationalize using an illegal drug? Am I just an addict that doesn’t know how to live without mind altering substances?