On the run

I spent the majority of my life trying to run away from my problems thinking that some change of scenery would change what was wrong in my life. And yet everywhere I went, there I was. Why it never occurred to me that I was the common denominator through all of it will always haunt my intelligence.

You can’t run away from yourself, stupid! And your body can’t even handle walking up three flights of stairs to your apartment. What makes you think you’ll be able to outrun anything at this point in your life?

So I finally stopped all that insanity and instead I started exercising with my demons. As much as I don’t want to admit it, they are a part of me. If I ever want to learn how to control my bipolar disorder, I have to accept and understand the darkness that comes with it. I just have to allow myself to feel. But when your emotions are so intense that they seem to swallow you whole, it’s hard to remember that they’re only temporary. The light will always return. No actually, it never leaves. It just travels along my spectrum of extremes waiting for its chance to shine.

Killing a miracle

For the first time, I’m actually thankful for terminating the pregnancy. Right or wrong, it doesn’t matter. I finally got the picture in my mind that I needed to be okay with the decision. I just can’t believe I gave that part of myself to someone I knew absolutely nothing about. And only to find out that he stands for everything I’m against. We’re on like opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to pretty much everything that makes a person who they are.

How could I have been so blind? And most importantly, what would my life have looked like if I had a child with him? That would’ve connected me to the ass hole for life! Not that I believe he would’ve been a part of the child’s life in any real way, but I’d still have to allow him to be involved in whatever extent he decided was sufficient to him. So I really would’ve been doing it on my own, raising a child at the age of 40 while on disability and no thought of getting child support. Granted, that picture would’ve been more ideal than the possibility of him actually sticking around.

What kind of hell would this guy have ended up putting me through? Because, of course, I would’ve endured it for the sake of our child. But what kind of a role model would this ass hole be and what kind of a person would my child have become because of it? Yes, it definitely would’ve been better if he just wasn’t involved at all. Hell, he didn’t want to believe it was his baby anyway. I wanted to shove the results of a paternity test down his throat so bad, but that probably would’ve been a bad mistake too. Then he’d have actual rights to the child as opposed to having to fight for them later on if he wasn’t mentioned on the birth certificate and I never forced the paternity test issue.

Who knows if I would’ve even thought of these things in the state I was in and with the crazy hormonal changes to be expected later in the pregnancy? I’m just so damn angry at myself! I never should’ve put myself in the situation that led to making such a heart wrenching life or death choice. I knew it was gonna take me awhile to process and grieve the loss.

Sure enough, over a year later, I’m still working through the emotions. The affect it all had on my mind and my spirit was truly traumatic. It was my rock bottom. I’ll never be the same. In my crazy mind, I still believe that somehow I was injected by a magical dick, but I killed the miracle it created. It’s easier for me than the thought of how many doctors were wrong about my infertility after the bone marrow transplant.

Just for the record, I haven’t had sex since the abortion and I don’t plan on it anytime soon. Sex was meant to be with someone you love. I deserve a man who’s up for the challenge of loving me. Until then, I’ll do just fine with the vibrating things in life.

‘Me’ Motivation

Trust in God. He sends angels to our aid when we most need them. You’re only alone when you don’t give anyone a chance to help you. Break the cycle that’s breaking you. Baby steps in the right direction are better than a familiar step toward ultimate destruction. Choose to take control of your life by letting go of what controls you. Scars are earned; they prove you fought through the pain and overcame. Become the warrior that’s been hidden deep inside. Unlock the doors that hold memories unwanted. Open the floodgates with deserving tears, allowing them to soak the solid ground you stand on. Break down the walls that block out moments your fear has cunningly kept from you.

It’s time to face the demons and whatever else you’ve hidden from yourself. With God by your side, you will not falter or be overwhelmed. You will meet the challenges that come along the way and know that with each one down, you come that much closer to who you’re meant to be. It’s not a race. Live at your own pace. This process is yours and you have the faith to drive through it. Love fearlessly and be proud of YOU!

A Wedding?

My brother is getting married next week on Halloween. As much as I love him and want him to be happy, I have to admit that I’m so jealous. I don’t know if this comes out of our healthy sibling rivalry or if it’s because I’m not even in a relationship right now. Is it because I’m lonely? Or because I want that eternal love so badly? I mean, I want it so bad that I have created a fantasy relationship in my head with a guy that’s ghosted me for over a year. It’s ridiculous when I drag myself down to reality and think about it with a clear head.

I guess I always figured I would get married before my brother “manned up” and committed himself to a woman. I didn’t even realize his relationship was this serious. I guess that shows how close we are. Not to mention that I wasn’t informed of the wedding until about 3 or 4 weeks ago by my dad. Imagine my dad witnessing me in the midst of a total meltdown and acting like a complete brat. It wasn’t pretty by any stretch of the imagination and when he realized there’s no point in sticking around, he told me as he was leaving, “Your brother announced last night that he’s getting married on Halloween.” Well, damn. That sure helped my hissy fit!

I couldn’t believe I was told about it like that, but at least someone informed me. Right? In this past month, I don’t think I’ve ever actually been invited to the event. I haven’t been included in the ceremony or know anything about it really. I just found out the location today through a FB message from my brother. For some reason, I think they’re actually worried that I might not show up. I just get that feeling. I figure it’s going to be a small gathering with family and maybe close friends. I haven’t the slightest clue.

Have I disconnected myself that drastically from my family and loved ones that I’m kind of an afterthought at this point? I know this didn’t happen overnight so it’s going to take a long time to change it. My relationships with the most important people in my life, my family, have become so strained over the years and I don’t really know how to repair them. The conversations I have with my dad always seem to end up as an argument and I just simply don’t talk to my brother at all. It’s not that they haven’t put in an effort to be in my life. I’m the one who doesn’t answer the phone or make a call for no reason but to just talk. I’ve done this same routine with all the people I get the closest to. It’s like I push them away without even meaning to. Why would I create a wall between the ones who love me the most? It makes no sense. Not that I’ve ever claimed to be rational, but I really don’t understand why I do this.

I’m in the process of trying to become a better person and I want my relationships to reflect the change in me. I have so much love to give and it’s like I’m holding it hostage or something. I know I’ve made the mistake of giving it too freely to the wrong people in the past. The whole thing is so backasswards of me! This is something I’m going to have to put some serious thought into because I don’t understand it. I’ll probably bring it up in my next therapy appointment and get a professional opinion on the subject. Yeah, that’s probably the best idea. In the meantime, I’m going to dial down my jealousy and look forward to my brother’s wedding. I might even ask if there’s anything I can do to help whether before, during, or after the ceremony. At least they’d know I’m going to be there that way. Wow.

The Crash!

I knew it was coming and tried to prepare for it as much as anyone with bipolar disorder can, but it still hits you like a ton of Mac trucks. Not only do I deal with bipolar but I also live with numerous chronic health conditions that came after battling cancer over a decade ago. For some reason, the physical health issues seem to come exactly when I crash from a manic period. I don’t know how or why that happens, but it never fails.

So basically I’ve spent the past two days in bed going through these sweating fits that I assume are hormonal in nature. There’s really no rhyme or reason to their onset so there’s no way to prepare or plan on how to work your day around them. I just have to bundle up in sweats and a hoodie to grin and bear the grossness of profuse sweating while trying not to soak anything else other than what I’m wearing. They usually last for 30 minutes but come and go throughout the day. And there’s no telling what day it will happen. Or how many days it may continue.

I have important things I need to take care of tomorrow so I can’t afford to lose another day to this annoying symptom that I’ve yet to understand where it comes from. I’m in the process of looking for a new place since my lease is up at the end of the year and I already have an appointment set up for tomorrow. I don’t want to miss out on finding the perfect place for me so I pray that I don’t see the beginning of a true crashing spiral.

Usually my crashes start out with some health problem laying me up in bed for a day and then it just seems to get harder and harder to get out of bed as each day passes. The spiral begins. Then the spiral takes over. I’m trying really hard to stay aware of my shifts and cycles so I can prevent them from controlling my life like they always have. I’m praying really hard that I will get out of bed and function tomorrow instead of losing another day.