Notorious

“You wanted to disappear – but you made yourself notorious.”

The more I try to blend in and go unnoticed, the more I seem to stand out even in the biggest of crowds! Why does it feel like everyone is staring at me? Is it just my anxiety or am I being checked out or sized up by everyone in the room? Sometimes I believe my life would be so much simpler if I was stupid and ugly. Instead, I’m stuck having to duck and dodge the superficial and always be on guard for the possible stalker. It’s as if these men descend on me like prey and I must discern who has what kind of intentions with me. I have honestly had to deal with being stalked for most of my life adult life. I don’t understand it. But thank God, I was blessed with a super power that has always protected me. Wanna know what it is?

I listen to my intuition. It’s probably the only time I don’t hesitate for a second if I’m told to take action. I’ve been blessed with knowledge that I must keep to myself because I know it doesn’t make a single bit of sense. My friends already know I’m a little different so I don’t need to add any fuel to the “crazy” fire. My satisfaction comes when all the puzzle pieces start fitting together and my intuition wins once again. In 38 years, its never failed me. There are times when I wish I could turn it off so I wouldn’t be constantly reading a person while I’m interacting with them. I dissect the conversation as I connect their movements, small or large, to assign meaning through every aspect of the language used, whether spoken or body.

See, just that makes someone go, “what?” I don’t usually talk about this but I figured it fit with the addition of a new bonafide stalker to my life. I go to meetings for a 12-step program which shouldn’t be a secret to anyone. I met this guy at a meeting and he used the crazy card to get my attention. We started talking and I gave him a couple rides after the meetings. Now he’s involving other members to tell him when I’m at a meeting. So far I haven’t run into him but I know I will eventually. Handling these situations is a delicate process that I’ve had to use on a number of occasions.

  • Don’t try to avoid them. Let them come to you and they will.
  • Come up with a reason why you blocked their number. My go-to excuse is that “I started seeing someone and I didn’t feel right talking with guy friends that are as close as we have gotten.”
  • Apologize for cutting them out of your life so abruptly.
  • Assure them that you still have their number and if things don’t work out with the other guy, he’ll get a call.
  • Stand your ground and don’t communicate with them no matter what.

This is just one scenario that keeps them at a distance hopefully. I have tons more if that one doesn’t work. It’s somewhat of a positive art form that I’ve created out of something so clearly negative. So I’ll just keep failing at my efforts to blend in and I pray that everyone is happy and safe this evening…

Country Crusin’

The one thing I miss the most right now is some good old country cruisin’. I would love to climb into a dusty old pick-up with the windows rolled down and a spot for my bare feet on the dash. I remember back when I was younger and the country boys were all around. I’d snatch one up and just drive. The gravel roads would twist and turn and lead to nowhere. At least, I never made it anywhere but farther from civilization. By nightfall, I’d be completely lost in the country somewhere and have no clue how to get back home. That’s why I love the country boys. I could just drive with no destination or place to go and they’d just guide me back to town when the sun was going down. No matter what, we always made it home by dark. I miss those days.

Expect to be pushed away…

I found that once I gave up on my expectations, that’s when I stopped being disappointed…in people, in events, in myself, in life most generally. I don’t think it made me any happier of a person but it sure cut out a lot of unhappiness. To my surprise, then everything started to “measure up” beyond my understanding. I guess that’s just how God works. Until you truly live in humility without the need for perfection, He will keep His abundance for when you are ready to accept it correctly.

The saying goes, “you always want what you can’t have.” I’m sure I fall into that cliche more than I want to admit. For me, I like a challenge. If someone tells me I can’t get something or do something, I’ll be damned to prove them wrong. That’s probably why I want the unobtainable men and think I can conquer the world when I haven’t even gotten outta bed. It makes no logical sense. I just wish I could keep the people who challenge me in my life. There’s very few people who cross my path that have the intelligence to expand my thinking but I can’t keep them around. Either they are dangerous influences or don’t stick around. Okay, maybe I push them away a bit. Okay, like completely. It all boils down to fear. I’m afraid of the very minds that I want to be around the most. Now, tell me if that ain’t fucked up? So how do I stop pushing people away when they get too close?

If you could have one thing…

If I could have one thing right now, it would be to have a partner to share my life with. Someone to love as we travel through it all.

If you could have one thing, what would it be?

All In

I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I don’t want to be stuck in bed doing nothing while life just passes me by. This whole “living” thing isn’t meant to be a spectator sport. It’s about experiencing every encounter, the good and bad. I’ve made a decision that I WILL NOT HALF-ASS MY LIFE NO MATTER WHAT!

I guess you could say that I’m “all in” because what’s life without taking risks? I know for a fact that history wasn’t made by people who played it safe. I could lose it all and it wouldn’t matter. Things can be replaced. I’m more interested in a thrill at this point. I don’t expect to live forever or even make it through my 40’s so I’d rather jump headfirst into the unknown than hang around in the shallow end where you can drown just as easily.

I may be crazy. I may be delusional. I may be sick of people placing labels on everyone just because they’re different. I may just happen to be myself and that should be good enough for the world. It is for me. I am who I am and I’ll never be anything else. I kinda dig her actually. You should meet her sometime. It’ll be fun. I promise.