Killing a miracle

For the first time, I’m actually thankful for terminating the pregnancy. Right or wrong, it doesn’t matter. I finally got the picture in my mind that I needed to be okay with the decision. I just can’t believe I gave that part of myself to someone I knew absolutely nothing about. And only to find out that he stands for everything I’m against. We’re on like opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to pretty much everything that makes a person who they are.

How could I have been so blind? And most importantly, what would my life have looked like if I had a child with him? That would’ve connected me to the ass hole for life! Not that I believe he would’ve been a part of the child’s life in any real way, but I’d still have to allow him to be involved in whatever extent he decided was sufficient to him. So I really would’ve been doing it on my own, raising a child at the age of 40 while on disability and no thought of getting child support. Granted, that picture would’ve been more ideal than the possibility of him actually sticking around.

What kind of hell would this guy have ended up putting me through? Because, of course, I would’ve endured it for the sake of our child. But what kind of a role model would this ass hole be and what kind of a person would my child have become because of it? Yes, it definitely would’ve been better if he just wasn’t involved at all. Hell, he didn’t want to believe it was his baby anyway. I wanted to shove the results of a paternity test down his throat so bad, but that probably would’ve been a bad mistake too. Then he’d have actual rights to the child as opposed to having to fight for them later on if he wasn’t mentioned on the birth certificate and I never forced the paternity test issue.

Who knows if I would’ve even thought of these things in the state I was in and with the crazy hormonal changes to be expected later in the pregnancy? I’m just so damn angry at myself! I never should’ve put myself in the situation that led to making such a heart wrenching life or death choice. I knew it was gonna take me awhile to process and grieve the loss.

Sure enough, over a year later, I’m still working through the emotions. The affect it all had on my mind and my spirit was truly traumatic. It was my rock bottom. I’ll never be the same. In my crazy mind, I still believe that somehow I was injected by a magical dick, but I killed the miracle it created. It’s easier for me than the thought of how many doctors were wrong about my infertility after the bone marrow transplant.

Just for the record, I haven’t had sex since the abortion and I don’t plan on it anytime soon. Sex was meant to be with someone you love. I deserve a man who’s up for the challenge of loving me. Until then, I’ll do just fine with the vibrating things in life.

The Crash!

I knew it was coming and tried to prepare for it as much as anyone with bipolar disorder can, but it still hits you like a ton of Mac trucks. Not only do I deal with bipolar but I also live with numerous chronic health conditions that came after battling cancer over a decade ago. For some reason, the physical health issues seem to come exactly when I crash from a manic period. I don’t know how or why that happens, but it never fails.

So basically I’ve spent the past two days in bed going through these sweating fits that I assume are hormonal in nature. There’s really no rhyme or reason to their onset so there’s no way to prepare or plan on how to work your day around them. I just have to bundle up in sweats and a hoodie to grin and bear the grossness of profuse sweating while trying not to soak anything else other than what I’m wearing. They usually last for 30 minutes but come and go throughout the day. And there’s no telling what day it will happen. Or how many days it may continue.

I have important things I need to take care of tomorrow so I can’t afford to lose another day to this annoying symptom that I’ve yet to understand where it comes from. I’m in the process of looking for a new place since my lease is up at the end of the year and I already have an appointment set up for tomorrow. I don’t want to miss out on finding the perfect place for me so I pray that I don’t see the beginning of a true crashing spiral.

Usually my crashes start out with some health problem laying me up in bed for a day and then it just seems to get harder and harder to get out of bed as each day passes. The spiral begins. Then the spiral takes over. I’m trying really hard to stay aware of my shifts and cycles so I can prevent them from controlling my life like they always have. I’m praying really hard that I will get out of bed and function tomorrow instead of losing another day.

Middle Ground

This Middle Ground…

A place I just don’t understand,

And definitely don’t belong.

Confusion and uncertainty

Envelopes everything here.

Yet I choose to stay.

Stuck like limbo.

Not wanting to go back,

But afraid to move forward.

I only see in shades of grey

As if I’m colorblind.

No black or white,

No dark or light.

I’ve been here far too long

Just wearing down on me.

Stagnant, claustrophobic

It makes no sense to me.

The unending, constant never known.

I search and search,

But lost my comfort zone.

I can’t seem to find it here,

And starting to wonder

If it even exists at all anymore?

How do I create a new one,

Or learn to live without it?

No… fuck that!

Where the hell am I anyhow?

No comfort zone?

I’m not having it!

Gotta find the exit sign…

Gotta find it…

If this is the Middle Ground,

I must lift my head.

Look up and see the truth.

The Higher Ground

Is right within my reach.

Just waiting for a choice,

The right choice,

The one I never make.

Maybe it’s time I change this place?

Maybe it’s time I change myself?

Maybe it’s time…

Be still and listen in the silence

I love the community of bloggers here at WordPress. It never fails that I’ll be touched by a special post at that special moment when I need to hear it the most. Today was rough for me, tired, frustrated, restless, anxious, sad, lonely, afraid, confused…basically overwhelmed by too many emotions hitting all at once. So I did what I’ve always done which is find some drugs to make it stop. I’m an addict. That’s what I do. It’s not that I want to do it anymore. Believe me, I’m too old for this shit anymore. I know it’s killing me. I even found myself crying the whole drive over to where I was going to get what I knew would make me feel better, or not feel anything really. This is what true powerlessness looks like. I know I should’ve just stayed at home and forced myself to take a nap or call a friend in recovery. I mean I could think of a million other things I should’ve done but I did what I’ve always done.

So many things are changing in my life right now. I mean BIG changes and I know it’s all happening to help me become who I’m meant to be. I’m just scared, with a little bit of excitement that’ll creep in here and there. But it’s days like today that set me back hardcore. I get so disappointed in myself that I start to embody that feeling and become it. Today, I am a disappointment. I believe the lie. Because that’s exactly what it is…a big fat freaking lie! I must remember to listen in the silence for my truth.

My heart is His, as it always has been, beating a precious song of love and life. In times like this, when my feelings overwhelm me, I need to remember that I am never alone. He created my soul with its infinite depth because He knows who I am. Even when all I can hear are lies that keep screaming through my head, I must not forget what He tells me in the silence. I am not just loved, but I AM LOVE. He tells me that I am a gift He’s given to this world to show how powerful His love can reach.

When I feel like the world is beating me down, I crave the feeling of being held in someone else’s arms. I yearn for that feeling of safety and comfort. And in those times when I need to fall apart, I should stop searching for someone to hold me together when God just wants me to fall into Him. If I embraced the stillness of His presence, I’d know that He’s been holding me the entire time. He won’t let me fall or ever let me go. I will always and forever be loved by Him. With that truth, I need nothing else.

I surrender!

A battle still rages inside my soul

I can’t let go

Surrender? No!

I’m fighting for my life

But fighting against His way

Too stubborn to admit

I don’t know anything!

But I see it now

With all eyes on me.

Please Lord, please save me!

Save me from myself!

Take my life

Take my soul

Take everything I think I am

Empty this vessel

Until nothing’s left

Please Lord, please fill me!

Fill me with Your love!

Give me back the light

You used to shine

In me

And through me

And everywhere around me

Please Lord, please forgive me!

Forgive me of my sins!

I lost You somewhere in the dark

Afraid You’d never take me back

I need Your hand

I’m reaching out

My white flag is waving

I’m ready now!