Be still and listen in the silence

I love the community of bloggers here at WordPress. It never fails that I’ll be touched by a special post at that special moment when I need to hear it the most. Today was rough for me, tired, frustrated, restless, anxious, sad, lonely, afraid, confused…basically overwhelmed by too many emotions hitting all at once. So I did what I’ve always done which is find some drugs to make it stop. I’m an addict. That’s what I do. It’s not that I want to do it anymore. Believe me, I’m too old for this shit anymore. I know it’s killing me. I even found myself crying the whole drive over to where I was going to get what I knew would make me feel better, or not feel anything really. This is what true powerlessness looks like. I know I should’ve just stayed at home and forced myself to take a nap or call a friend in recovery. I mean I could think of a million other things I should’ve done but I did what I’ve always done.

So many things are changing in my life right now. I mean BIG changes and I know it’s all happening to help me become who I’m meant to be. I’m just scared, with a little bit of excitement that’ll creep in here and there. But it’s days like today that set me back hardcore. I get so disappointed in myself that I start to embody that feeling and become it. Today, I am a disappointment. I believe the lie. Because that’s exactly what it is…a big fat freaking lie! I must remember to listen in the silence for my truth.

My heart is His, as it always has been, beating a precious song of love and life. In times like this, when my feelings overwhelm me, I need to remember that I am never alone. He created my soul with its infinite depth because He knows who I am. Even when all I can hear are lies that keep screaming through my head, I must not forget what He tells me in the silence. I am not just loved, but I AM LOVE. He tells me that I am a gift He’s given to this world to show how powerful His love can reach.

When I feel like the world is beating me down, I crave the feeling of being held in someone else’s arms. I yearn for that feeling of safety and comfort. And in those times when I need to fall apart, I should stop searching for someone to hold me together when God just wants me to fall into Him. If I embraced the stillness of His presence, I’d know that He’s been holding me the entire time. He won’t let me fall or ever let me go. I will always and forever be loved by Him. With that truth, I need nothing else.

Thin blue line

Use me

Play me as a pawn

I will take you into places

Places you haven’t gone

I can show you

Who and where to look

If you let me play the game

Play it by the book

I can lead you down

Through the darkest places

Into the great unknown

With all their hidden faces

Take a walk with me

Along the thin blue line

Just tell me what to do

Or give me some small sign

Middle of the Fire

Dancing in the middle of the fire,
Praying to God that I don’t get burned.
Sitting in a cloud of smoke,
As the world around me still continues to turn….

Where do I go from here,
When I don’t even know where I am?
How do I tell someone what I want to do,
When I don’t even know who the hell I am?
I don’t know how to live or love or be myself,
Without playing with the chemicals inside my brain.
So used to my own warped sense of reality,
That I can’t simply stop and just abstain.
It shouldn’t have to be this hard
To let go of something that’s killing me.
But I keep straying down the same old path,
Going where I was never supposed to be.

Dancing in the middle of the fire,
Praying to God that I don’t get burned.
Sitting in a cloud of smoke,
As the world around me still continues to turn….

I can’t turn back now,
Even though I wish I could.
I turn around and it’s the same old shit,
Ending up in the same damn spot I’ve always stood.
I need a future that isn’t based on constant lies,
Where I can change what life I have here
Into something that might make my family proud.
I need a life that’s free from fear!
This wasn’t what I was meant to be!
Capable of so much more,
With a purpose that’s been stifled,
And kept me down when I’m supposed to soar!

Dancing in the middle of the fire,
Praying to God that I don’t get burned.
Sitting in a cloud of smoke,
As the world around me still continues to turn….

Wanting to crawl out of the shadows I’m shackled in,
To blind myself with the shining sun.
Please someone come help me before it’s too late.
Before I fear it’s all been said and done.
Rain pour down and flood this fire!
Let my love be meant for something more!
Pour down like the tears I’ve already wasted,
On people, on times, on nothing to live for.
Wash my sins away and each regret,
So as to know my smile is real.
Take off this mask I hide behind.
Show me the way I haven’t figure out just yet.

Dancing in the middle of the fire,
Praying to God that I don’t get burned.
Sitting in a cloud of smoke,
As the world around me still continues to turn….