Darkness Overload

So we all have our cycles, or at least I like to think we all do. Maybe just to make myself feel better about the one I’ve been stuck in for well over a year now. My cycle starts with a horribly deep depression and ends with me self-medicating. I know how the instant gratification of using drugs will combat my depression. It’s what I know so I do what I know works. Most people get worried about me when I’m in my depression and isolating because they assume I’m in my addiction and avoiding the people who love me. In truth, I’m just laying in bed doing absolutely nothing. I don’t feel like doing anything and so I just lay there completely apathetic to life in general. I just don’t care… about anything. I get behind on everything and the littlest task seems so overwhelming that I don’t even know how to start it. These days, I can’t stand being in that state for longer than a week even though I’m doing what I’m supposed to do which is stay clean. So what do I do? I use the drugs that I know will pull me out of the depression. Then, I start functioning as a normal human being and respond to the 50 texts and voicemails that I was avoiding. I get everything done that I was previously apathetic to and take care of all my responsibilities. When I’m using I actually leave my home and go out in public! Imagine that crazy idea! I’m happy to be alive. I actually care.

This is where my dilemma stands. I feel like I can’t do anything right. If I’m clean, I slip into a darkness that no one seems to understand. But if I use, I’m doing something wrong according to society and the people who love me. How do I solve this predicament?

Secret Admirer

Well, it appears that I’ve attracted a secret admirer somehow and I don’t really know how to feel about it. This week I found six roses on the ground behind my apartment building. It was so random that I keep questioning if they were put there for me to find. My first reaction was fueled by my overactive paranoia so I jumped immediately to “STALKER!” If it weren’t for some past experiences with that problem, I might not have been so quick to think the roses were a bad sign. Or set up an IP camera behind my sliding glass door to catch any movement near my patio. I don’t have the slightest clue how I convinced myself that I’d be able to catch the “stalker” hanging out behind my apartment like it was some daily occurrence or something. And how would I be able to say who left the roses when I couldn’t even tell you how many neighbors I have and where they live. The best example of how ridiculous my mind works is that I actually believed a camera recording would protect me from some unknown threat. Threat? Really? After I came to my senses, I realized I was probably taking the gesture in the opposite direction from what was intended. I should be flattered. And I truly am now. I only wish I knew who placed the roses on the ground and if they were really meant for me.

I surrender!

A battle still rages inside my soul

I can’t let go

Surrender? No!

I’m fighting for my life

But fighting against His way

Too stubborn to admit

I don’t know anything!

But I see it now

With all eyes on me.

Please Lord, please save me!

Save me from myself!

Take my life

Take my soul

Take everything I think I am

Empty this vessel

Until nothing’s left

Please Lord, please fill me!

Fill me with Your love!

Give me back the light

You used to shine

In me

And through me

And everywhere around me

Please Lord, please forgive me!

Forgive me of my sins!

I lost You somewhere in the dark

Afraid You’d never take me back

I need Your hand

I’m reaching out

My white flag is waving

I’m ready now!

Imitation Life

I had a feeling we’d be right back here

In this twisted world where nothing’s true

And even now with our goals in reach

We just keep doing what we shouldn’t do

It makes no sense what we’re giving up

A life of love and God and trust

Filled with blessings beyond our dreams

Yet we can’t stay away from what we must

Will this cycle ever end?

Or are we destined to fall apart?

We both know where this always leads

Placing distance between our hearts

What we’re doing just isn’t right

It’s nothing more than an imitation life

I want what’s real that we can share

With God as our focus and love on our minds

It’s time to make a drastic change

And agree to leave it all behind

Create the world we deserve to have

And reject all the limits some try to demand

Middle of the Fire

Dancing in the middle of the fire,
Praying to God that I don’t get burned.
Sitting in a cloud of smoke,
As the world around me still continues to turn….

Where do I go from here,
When I don’t even know where I am?
How do I tell someone what I want to do,
When I don’t even know who the hell I am?
I don’t know how to live or love or be myself,
Without playing with the chemicals inside my brain.
So used to my own warped sense of reality,
That I can’t simply stop and just abstain.
It shouldn’t have to be this hard
To let go of something that’s killing me.
But I keep straying down the same old path,
Going where I was never supposed to be.

Dancing in the middle of the fire,
Praying to God that I don’t get burned.
Sitting in a cloud of smoke,
As the world around me still continues to turn….

I can’t turn back now,
Even though I wish I could.
I turn around and it’s the same old shit,
Ending up in the same damn spot I’ve always stood.
I need a future that isn’t based on constant lies,
Where I can change what life I have here
Into something that might make my family proud.
I need a life that’s free from fear!
This wasn’t what I was meant to be!
Capable of so much more,
With a purpose that’s been stifled,
And kept me down when I’m supposed to soar!

Dancing in the middle of the fire,
Praying to God that I don’t get burned.
Sitting in a cloud of smoke,
As the world around me still continues to turn….

Wanting to crawl out of the shadows I’m shackled in,
To blind myself with the shining sun.
Please someone come help me before it’s too late.
Before I fear it’s all been said and done.
Rain pour down and flood this fire!
Let my love be meant for something more!
Pour down like the tears I’ve already wasted,
On people, on times, on nothing to live for.
Wash my sins away and each regret,
So as to know my smile is real.
Take off this mask I hide behind.
Show me the way I haven’t figure out just yet.

Dancing in the middle of the fire,
Praying to God that I don’t get burned.
Sitting in a cloud of smoke,
As the world around me still continues to turn….