For the first time, I’m actually thankful for terminating the pregnancy. Right or wrong, it doesn’t matter. I finally got the picture in my mind that I needed to be okay with the decision. I just can’t believe I gave that part of myself to someone I knew absolutely nothing about. And only to find out that he stands for everything I’m against. We’re on like opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to pretty much everything that makes a person who they are.
How could I have been so blind? And most importantly, what would my life have looked like if I had a child with him? That would’ve connected me to the ass hole for life! Not that I believe he would’ve been a part of the child’s life in any real way, but I’d still have to allow him to be involved in whatever extent he decided was sufficient to him. So I really would’ve been doing it on my own, raising a child at the age of 40 while on disability and no thought of getting child support. Granted, that picture would’ve been more ideal than the possibility of him actually sticking around.
What kind of hell would this guy have ended up putting me through? Because, of course, I would’ve endured it for the sake of our child. But what kind of a role model would this ass hole be and what kind of a person would my child have become because of it? Yes, it definitely would’ve been better if he just wasn’t involved at all. Hell, he didn’t want to believe it was his baby anyway. I wanted to shove the results of a paternity test down his throat so bad, but that probably would’ve been a bad mistake too. Then he’d have actual rights to the child as opposed to having to fight for them later on if he wasn’t mentioned on the birth certificate and I never forced the paternity test issue.
Who knows if I would’ve even thought of these things in the state I was in and with the crazy hormonal changes to be expected later in the pregnancy? I’m just so damn angry at myself! I never should’ve put myself in the situation that led to making such a heart wrenching life or death choice. I knew it was gonna take me awhile to process and grieve the loss.
Sure enough, over a year later, I’m still working through the emotions. The affect it all had on my mind and my spirit was truly traumatic. It was my rock bottom. I’ll never be the same. In my crazy mind, I still believe that somehow I was injected by a magical dick, but I killed the miracle it created. It’s easier for me than the thought of how many doctors were wrong about my infertility after the bone marrow transplant.
Just for the record, I haven’t had sex since the abortion and I don’t plan on it anytime soon. Sex was meant to be with someone you love. I deserve a man who’s up for the challenge of loving me. Until then, I’ll do just fine with the vibrating things in life.
My love goes out to all the angels who continue to shed their magic on my life and make my crazy look beautiful. You have created a state of awe and wonder for me to rest in. Thank you for everything that can be seen and that which remains unseen.
I’m all about changing the perception our world has of mental illness. We need to start teaching kids that crazy is the new cool! People need to know that our depression and mania is due to our sensitivity to feelings that are extreme and deep and overwhelming. In my opinion, what society calls an illness is in actuality a God-given gift. We didn’t ask to be born this way but it makes us special and should never be looked down upon. I proudly claim my crazy because it makes me who I am. It’s a part of us that we can’t just turn on and off whenever it’s convenient. Society needs a better understanding of what it means to live a life of mental disarray. I consider us warriors for battling an inner war day after day and continuing to live the best we can when it has taken the lives of so many.
Trust in God. He sends angels to our aid when we most need them. You’re only alone when you don’t give anyone a chance to help you. Break the cycle that’s breaking you. Baby steps in the right direction are better than a familiar step toward ultimate destruction. Choose to take control of your life by letting go of what controls you. Scars are earned; they prove you fought through the pain and overcame. Become the warrior that’s been hidden deep inside. Unlock the doors that hold memories unwanted. Open the floodgates with deserving tears, allowing them to soak the solid ground you stand on. Break down the walls that block out moments your fear has cunningly kept from you.
It’s time to face the demons and whatever else you’ve hidden from yourself. With God by your side, you will not falter or be overwhelmed. You will meet the challenges that come along the way and know that with each one down, you come that much closer to who you’re meant to be. It’s not a race. Live at your own pace. This process is yours and you have the faith to drive through it. Love fearlessly and be proud of YOU!
I knew it was coming and tried to prepare for it as much as anyone with bipolar disorder can, but it still hits you like a ton of Mac trucks. Not only do I deal with bipolar but I also live with numerous chronic health conditions that came after battling cancer over a decade ago. For some reason, the physical health issues seem to come exactly when I crash from a manic period. I don’t know how or why that happens, but it never fails.
So basically I’ve spent the past two days in bed going through these sweating fits that I assume are hormonal in nature. There’s really no rhyme or reason to their onset so there’s no way to prepare or plan on how to work your day around them. I just have to bundle up in sweats and a hoodie to grin and bear the grossness of profuse sweating while trying not to soak anything else other than what I’m wearing. They usually last for 30 minutes but come and go throughout the day. And there’s no telling what day it will happen. Or how many days it may continue.
I have important things I need to take care of tomorrow so I can’t afford to lose another day to this annoying symptom that I’ve yet to understand where it comes from. I’m in the process of looking for a new place since my lease is up at the end of the year and I already have an appointment set up for tomorrow. I don’t want to miss out on finding the perfect place for me so I pray that I don’t see the beginning of a true crashing spiral.
Usually my crashes start out with some health problem laying me up in bed for a day and then it just seems to get harder and harder to get out of bed as each day passes. The spiral begins. Then the spiral takes over. I’m trying really hard to stay aware of my shifts and cycles so I can prevent them from controlling my life like they always have. I’m praying really hard that I will get out of bed and function tomorrow instead of losing another day.