On the run

I spent the majority of my life trying to run away from my problems thinking that some change of scenery would change what was wrong in my life. And yet everywhere I went, there I was. Why it never occurred to me that I was the common denominator through all of it will always haunt my intelligence.

You can’t run away from yourself, stupid! And your body can’t even handle walking up three flights of stairs to your apartment. What makes you think you’ll be able to outrun anything at this point in your life?

So I finally stopped all that insanity and instead I started exercising with my demons. As much as I don’t want to admit it, they are a part of me. If I ever want to learn how to control my bipolar disorder, I have to accept and understand the darkness that comes with it. I just have to allow myself to feel. But when your emotions are so intense that they seem to swallow you whole, it’s hard to remember that they’re only temporary. The light will always return. No actually, it never leaves. It just travels along my spectrum of extremes waiting for its chance to shine.

An Inconvenient Truth

An Inconvenient Truth

An Inconvenient Truth
— Read on thebipolarwriter.blog/2018/10/25/an-inconvenient-truth/

I’m all about changing the perception our world has of mental illness. We need to start teaching kids that crazy is the new cool! People need to know that our depression and mania is due to our sensitivity to feelings that are extreme and deep and overwhelming. In my opinion, what society calls an illness is in actuality a God-given gift. We didn’t ask to be born this way but it makes us special and should never be looked down upon. I proudly claim my crazy because it makes me who I am. It’s a part of us that we can’t just turn on and off whenever it’s convenient. Society needs a better understanding of what it means to live a life of mental disarray. I consider us warriors for battling an inner war day after day and continuing to live the best we can when it has taken the lives of so many.

Someone Gets It!

I just need to express my gratitude for those random people who cross your path and remind you that we are all connected and no one should ever feel alone in their struggles. It’s so rare and refreshing when you find evidence of prior travelers on the path you’re stumbling along.

We need to stop considering mental illnesses as negative aspects to who we are. God designed each one of us as perfect for His plans and purpose. We should embrace it as one of the qualities that makes us unique and special and beautiful in God’s eyes. That just gave me a thought… maybe we should just start suggesting to kids these days that “crazy” is the new “cool.”

Okay, I’m getting sidetracked here. My whole reason for this post is to share my appreciation for a fellow blogger Revenge of Eve. This poetry spoke to me like it was written specifically for that purpose, for me. Be amazed….

via I Get It

I’m not crazy! I swear!

Okay, so I think I’ve finally accepted that the doctors may be correct in diagnosing me with bi-polar 1 disorder. For the longest time, like 14 years or so, I didn’t want to admit to myself that I actually have a mental illness. After talking with a therapist today, I realized that I have exhibited every symptom of the disorder at some point or another and just haven’t been aware of it. It’s probably more like I never wanted to be aware of it. Well… unfortunately I can’t ignore it and believe it’s not there anymore. Damn. I guess I have to deal with it now, huh?

All my love!

Middle Ground

This Middle Ground…

A place I just don’t understand,

And definitely don’t belong.

Confusion and uncertainty

Envelopes everything here.

Yet I choose to stay.

Stuck like limbo.

Not wanting to go back,

But afraid to move forward.

I only see in shades of grey

As if I’m colorblind.

No black or white,

No dark or light.

I’ve been here far too long

Just wearing down on me.

Stagnant, claustrophobic

It makes no sense to me.

The unending, constant never known.

I search and search,

But lost my comfort zone.

I can’t seem to find it here,

And starting to wonder

If it even exists at all anymore?

How do I create a new one,

Or learn to live without it?

No… fuck that!

Where the hell am I anyhow?

No comfort zone?

I’m not having it!

Gotta find the exit sign…

Gotta find it…

If this is the Middle Ground,

I must lift my head.

Look up and see the truth.

The Higher Ground

Is right within my reach.

Just waiting for a choice,

The right choice,

The one I never make.

Maybe it’s time I change this place?

Maybe it’s time I change myself?

Maybe it’s time…