Thin blue line

Use me

Play me as a pawn

I will take you into places

Places you haven’t gone

I can show you

Who and where to look

If you let me play the game

Play it by the book

I can lead you down

Through the darkest places

Into the great unknown

With all their hidden faces

Take a walk with me

Along the thin blue line

Just tell me what to do

Or give me some small sign

Caught me one of them Texans!

For the longest time, I’ve had this paranoia that I’m being followed everywhere I go by cars specifically with Texas license plates. I’ve even pointed it out to all my passengers in hopes that I can get some sort of validation that I’m not just crazy. It’s gotten to the point that I can’t help but find amusement out of it. I yell, “Texas!” and give them a big smile and wave. Their looks alone are worth making an ass out of myself. When I was in my active addiction, it was easy to blame the drugs for my paranoia and possible insanity. Now that I’m clean, I still have my Texan escorts everywhere I go so I just keep making an ass of myself. I had to turn my fear and paranoia into a positive experience that makes me smile. The best part of this story is that I had a friend from college come visit me yesterday and guess where he lives now…. Yup, Texas! I took him to a meeting and we rode in different cars. So now I can say without a doubt or question that I for real had a Texas car following me! I eliminated the insanity and know for a fact that there was at least one Texan that really was following me. I successfully turned my insanity into a reality! I finally caught me a Texan!

A Head Med Switcheroo

So it’s 3am and I’m apparently not gonna get a good nights sleep tonight… yippee. Why is it that when I’m suffering with depression, I can sleep all day long, but as soon as it gets dark out, I’m wide awake? If I start to grow fangs and have a sudden craving for blood, I’ll let you all know…

There’s been a lot of fellow bloggers touching on the subject of depression and mental illnesses lately so I thought I’d share where I’m at in the mess I call my head. I just saw my psychiatrist today and it looks like I get the pleasure of playing with the chemicals in my brain again and waiting to see what happens…. yippee. What that means is I have to go through the process of switching my head meds and dealing with whatever side-effects come along with it. I consider it a two-week long pass for any crazy to slip out while the new meds build up in my system. So far, I’m not liking the fact that I’m still awake after 3am when one of the pills was supposed to help with insomnia. Who knows?!

I’ll keep everyone updated on whatever random side-effects surface while I’m doing the old switcheroo. I won’t bore you with it unless we can all get a good laugh, at my expense of course! Have I told you lately that I just love being certifiably crazy? Well, I just did. It’s totally awesome. And going through a head med switcheroo is my most favorite part. Wish me luck! And a good nights sleep, for God’s sake!

Thanks for all your love and support!

No More Excuses

I’m just gonna save us a whole lot of time and just throw it out there. I’m scared, terrified, afraid, paranoid… and ALONE!

I’ve never lived by myself without anybody to come home to. I don’t know how to live alone. I honestly don’t know how to take care of myself. Hell, it’s a miracle that I’ve kept my cat alive for 14 years! I’m basically a 37 year old child and I don’t know what life is supposed to be like. It’s only been a few hours since I finally realized I was home alone and my anxiety is verging on panic now. I don’t feel safe but I don’t know what I’m afraid of. I didn’t even know he had left or that all his things were missing too. How could I not have seen it or noticed anything? It was like some stealth ninja disappearing act! All that’s left are the keys he placed neatly in a spot where I’d be sure to see them.

I should be happy or relieved that he left so peacefully, but I just told him two days ago that he needed to find somewhere else to stay. I never expected him to go so soon. I didn’t even know he was gone! I have no clue where he went or who he went with. I just don’t know what to think or feel right now.

This is what I wanted, right? A sober living environment without the influence of anyone else. It’s all on me now. No one to blame. No more excuses. I have to get clean. It’s time… and I’m so scared! God, please help me! I can’t do this on my own! I gotta go now and jam out to some Christian rock before the silence overwhelms me. Must keep my eyes on the Lord and have faith, have faith, have faith…

Darkness Overload

So we all have our cycles, or at least I like to think we all do. Maybe just to make myself feel better about the one I’ve been stuck in for well over a year now. My cycle starts with a horribly deep depression and ends with me self-medicating. I know how the instant gratification of using drugs will combat my depression. It’s what I know so I do what I know works. Most people get worried about me when I’m in my depression and isolating because they assume I’m in my addiction and avoiding the people who love me. In truth, I’m just laying in bed doing absolutely nothing. I don’t feel like doing anything and so I just lay there completely apathetic to life in general. I just don’t care… about anything. I get behind on everything and the littlest task seems so overwhelming that I don’t even know how to start it. These days, I can’t stand being in that state for longer than a week even though I’m doing what I’m supposed to do which is stay clean. So what do I do? I use the drugs that I know will pull me out of the depression. Then, I start functioning as a normal human being and respond to the 50 texts and voicemails that I was avoiding. I get everything done that I was previously apathetic to and take care of all my responsibilities. When I’m using I actually leave my home and go out in public! Imagine that crazy idea! I’m happy to be alive. I actually care.

This is where my dilemma stands. I feel like I can’t do anything right. If I’m clean, I slip into a darkness that no one seems to understand. But if I use, I’m doing something wrong according to society and the people who love me. How do I solve this predicament?